Learning to live in a graveyard

Posted on | October 31, 2011 | 1 Comment

“Learning to live in a graveyard” in the Philadelphia Inquirer.

I grew up in a cemetery.

Apart from the house I grew up in, the cemetery just four doors down from that house is home to the fondest memories of my childhood, my adolescence, and the pseudo angst-ridden years of early adulthood. In an odd way, it was a second home.

Known to my friends and me simply as “the Cem,” Arlington Cemetery in Drexel Hill played the part of both neighborhood park and teenage hideout.

As a young boy, the cemetery was a place to explore life and what lay beyond it. Peering through the stained glass windows of huge stone mausoleums, straining to read the names and dates of the folks therein, I remember wondering if I would want to be put in a mausoleum when I died. The thought frightened and yet intrigued me, and the existence of ghosts suddenly seemed quite feasible.

But the cemetery wasn’t all headstones and haunting. Its deserted and hilly roads made it the perfect course for high speed bike rides and testing out newly constructed go-carts. Years later, and for the very same reasons, it was the perfect spot to learn how to drive. On summer nights, it was the ideal shortcut to Dairy Queen for a grape Mister Misty Float. And its stone wall offered the perfect spot to watch the passing fire engines and tanks during the Memorial Day parade.

Just beyond that stone wall, and directly down the street from my house, lay the cemetery’s most prized piece of land. The grassy field, bordered on one side by a line of spruce trees, had remained untouched by the dead, making it the ideal football field. The line of trees marked one sideline, a cedar tree marked the other, and giant yews and arborvitaes provided a natural backdrop to both end-zones. For years that field was our home. Just about every afternoon, we battled it out on the cemetery gridiron: teams divvied up, plays designed on a palm, and a Wilson Duke football in tow. There was beauty in the simplicity of the ritual. Amid tackles, touchdowns and the occasional torn shirt, friendships were formed.

Throughout those years, young boys became lifelong friends. Casually tossing a football back and forth or simply sitting on the curb with a Big Gulp, talk ensued. It was the sort of talk that is universal to the young American male. Simply stated, it was minimal. In the silence, though, and in the profanity-laden barbs, truth dwelled ever so quietly. Truth that spoke of growing up, of trying to fit in, of figuring out how to deal with the opposite sex. It was the quiet of boys struggling for truth – boys struggling together. In any man’s life, it is the friends who struggled alongside you in adolescence that become lifelong friends. Perhaps you drift apart. For the fortunate few, perhaps you never do. In either case, the friendship is eternal, and no amount of time or distance can break that bond.

Unknown to us at the time, we dealt with adolescence in the only way we knew how: we drank. This too the cemetery witnessed. The line of trees bordering the football field provided a perfect bunker wherein we could spot any patrolling police car long before they saw us. When the headlights or spotlights came our way, we simply ducked behind the nearest tombstone, bush, or tree. The cops didn’t have a chance. There we stood, friends and shadows, conversing by the moonlit night.

When we all became of bar age, I fought to hang onto the cemetery as our watering hole of choice, but without much luck. There was a life to be lived outside the cemetery walls, and we couldn’t hide behind the line of trees forever.

Today, however, I realize just how necessary it is to revisit the cemetery. With lives that are ever connected to the busyness of life, we never take time to reflect and dwell upon the business of life – that is, to just simply “be.” As ironic as it may seem, the cemetery allows us one of the few places where we can actually live in the moment. Too sacred a space from which to check-in on Facebook or send that next meeting request, it puts life (and our phones) in proper perspective.

With two of those childhood friends having passed on to another cemetery, and my own father resting in the ground a few feet from that football field, today I long for “the Cem.”

October’s spirits fill the air, calling us to revisit the cemeteries of our lives, so that we may remember what it is like to live.

Yeah, I grew up in a cemetery. I suppose I still am.

Click here to read an expanded, earlier version of this essay.

Chester County Fiction

Posted on | September 27, 2011 | 1 Comment

Hello Friends:

A new collection of stort stories, Chester County Fiction, includes my short story “The River Runs Red.” Chester County Fiction, the brainchild of writer Jim Breslin, is a collection of short stories by – you guessed it – Chester County writers. You can get it on Amazon here. If you prefer to visit an actual bookstore, beginning next week you can pick up a copy at the Chester County Book & Music Company in West Chester.

For details about the official book launch, which takes place October 2 at Baldwin’s Book Barn, click here.

Thanks!

Peace,

Mike

On Eagle’s Wings

Posted on | September 9, 2011 | 2 Comments

“A place not yet touched by 9/11″ in the Philadelphia Inquirer.

When the mood strikes and both the calendar and skies are clear, my children and I venture to the nearby Brandywine Valley Airport to catch a glimpse of the airplanes and helicopters in flight.

Watching these planes, my mind travels back to my own childhood, a time when a little boy could explore a major airport’s terminal and, with nose to window, gaze in wonder as the giant beasts ascended and descended more gracefully than seemed plausible. One moment it was here, a muffled roar later and it was gone, only to touch down in some far off place on the map taped to a child’s bedroom wall.

Peering through those glass walls overlooking the tarmac filled a child with awe. There, gazing eyes were close enough to read the plane’s numbers and admire each airline’s distinct detailing. Beautiful, slick beasts crawled along the tarmac, marionettes held captive by the air traffic controller above. “Which one was next?” the boy would wonder. Then, seemingly without warning, the tower gave word, setting a beast free. With engines blazing, it set off skyward.

Tarmac-gazing has long since disappeared, and along with it the spellbound eyes of countless young children longing for inspiration and adventure. Today, only those going off on the adventure itself get a glimpse of the tarmac’s beauty. Without a ticket, a child bids a relative farewell without ever seeing their plane lift off.

I imagine the ghosts of Wilbur and Orville Wright, having floated through security, standing in the terminal and peering out at the planes. Wonder must fill their hearts. Then, noticing no one else is doing the same, that wonder must turn to sadness. They look around, only to find themselves surrounded by hurried and harried white rabbits with eyes fixed on books, phones, and inventions beyond their comprehension.

All of which makes the quaint and quiet airport down the road all the more special. Here, a child can peer through and, yes, even sit atop the five-foot gate separating pilot from pupil. Sept. 11 hasn’t reached here yet, as this airport is more a playground for the weekend pilot (who once upon a time was a tarmac-gazer, I am sure) and a taxi depot for the anonymous wealthy and their equally anonymous chartered flights.

The scene goes like this: A car pulls into the quiet parking lot and, after exiting the vehicle, the driver proceeds to walk into the lonely airplane hangar. Within minutes an engine revs to life, controls and settings are checked, and the single-engine prop plane begins to meander out to the tarmac. I suppose there’s a quick radio conversation between the driver-turned-pilot and the controller inside. Something along the lines of:

“Hey, Charlie.”

“Morning, Johnny.”

“Good day for flying, eh?”

“Sure is. Anytime you’re ready, John.”

And with that the prop plane taxis down the tarmac, rounds the bend to the runway, and takes off.

Though not this morning. My 2-year-old boy and I wait patiently for any sign of life from the hangars, but hear none. The morning is deathly quiet, and perhaps the weekend pilots have taken the day off. After 30 minutes of inactivity, we return to the car.

It is then, having left the airport and waiting to turn out of the parking lot, that a single-engine plane soars into the air toward our right. We had missed the takeoff by seconds, and like that the plane was gone. Returning my gaze through the windshield, I find myself in wonder and awe at the sight before my eyes.

A bald eagle is perched atop the telephone pole across the road, looking larger than life in this suburban setting. Perhaps the beautiful beast was tarmac-gazing too.

I quickly pulled to the side of the road, parked, and together we crossed the street for a better look.

The scene brought me back to that September morning 10 years passed, when airports – and America – changed forever. I mourn the innocent lives lost that day, and the innocence our country lost in the process. The security theater of today’s airport, however necessary, has hijacked the awe and inspiration of humankind taking to the skies.

With my son in my arms, I gazed at our nation’s symbol and found myself grateful for its presence – and for this tiny airport not yet touched by 9/11.

It was at that moment three crows descended upon the eagle, cawing in unison and driving it from its roost. On silent wings, the eagle took flight and soared into battle.

I held my son closer. Once lost, innocence can never be reclaimed.

Small Talk: A Play in One Act

Posted on | June 28, 2011 | 1 Comment

MAN

How was your day?

GIRL

Good.

MAN

Now was it a good day or a great day?

GIRL

Great.

MAN

                    (MAN scoops GIRL up and holds her in his arms.)

When someone asks you how your day was – and it was a great day – tell them that. Okay?

GIRL

Okay.

MAN

All right, then. Let’s try it again. . .

So how was your day?

GIRL

AWESOME!

My Life is Password Protected

Posted on | June 27, 2011 | 3 Comments

“Identity Crisis” in Main Line Today (July, 2011).

I tried to tackle my to-do list today, but things haven’t worked out as planned.

1. Pay mortgage.

I went to pay my mortgage but couldn’t remember my password. After asking for help, I was told I first needed to answer the following:

“What is your favorite food?”

My first thought was pizza. Then again, I really like tacos. I took a guess:

“Cheeseburger, medium-well.”

Apparently not. Seems the computer knows my taste buds better than I do, and I’ll probably end up in foreclosure.

2. Buy a gift for Aunt Foo-Foo’s 90th birthday.

I searched high and low, hour after hour, looking for the perfect gift for my aunt. When I finally found it—a water-balloon slingshot—I passed along my credit card number and my address.

Seems that wasn’t good enough, though. I was told I must first establish an account. In order to do that, I had to disclose the color of my best friend’s sister’s eyes. Failure to do so, I was warned, would prevent me from easily purchasing water-balloon slingshots in the future.

I grappled over which best friend they were referring to, as there were several over the years. Finally, I had a hunch they were referring to Chris. He had five sisters, though, so I couldn’t be sure whose eye color they wanted. Too stressed to continue, I gave up. So much for water games at the nursing home.

3. Renew library books.

I wasn’t quite finished reading my loaned copy of Pride and Prejudice, so I went to renew it. They needed my library card number, which seemed reasonable enough. Then I needed to create a password that adhered to the following guidelines: 43 characters, including two numbers, one capital letter, an ampersand and an obscenity.

I spent an hour thinking up something I could remember. I was told to enter it again, at which point I forgot my password. Pride and Prejudice wasn’t all that interesting anyway, so I gave up on renewing it.

4. Order photos.

After spending a few hours whittling 537 photos down to 24, then removing the red-eye from each, I was ready to order some 4-by-6 prints for the first time in five years.

Before I could continue, I needed a user name. I tried the usual variations, but they were all taken.

I spent a good hour in deep reflection, trying to come up with something that captured my inner nature, my passions, my purpose in life.

Alas, it was already taken. I began to question who I really was.

5. Make an eye doctor appointment.

I was in dire need of new glasses. On a giant computer screen across the examining room was one of those reCAPTCHA windows you’re often confronted with when entering a password. Apparently, my doctor wanted to make sure I was still human.

“Read the first line,” he directed.

I fumbled to decipher the jumbled, wavy, crooked text, failing miserably. I explained that I was being held hostage by technology, all to protect whatever identity I had left.

“My life is password protected,” I pleaded.

He would hear none of it.

“No,” he replied. “You’re going blind.”

I Google Myself, Therefore I Am

Posted on | June 24, 2011 | 3 Comments

“I Google myself, therefore I am” in the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Under cover of darkness, with the shades drawn and the neighborhood fast asleep – save for a red fox making its rounds in search of prey – I went in search of myself.

The Google home page stood starkly before me and, like an addict unable to resist the urge, I Googled myself. I was afraid of what I might find. But I was even more afraid of finding nothing. After all, my life was at stake. If Google couldn’t find me, then my soul, my memories – even my very existence – were in doubt.

Googlo ergo sum? I was about to find out. My right pinkie hit “Enter.”

And there it was: my curriculum vitae spelled out before me in a list of some seven million blue links. Move over, Ralph Edwards. We’ve swapped the sentimentality of This Is Your Life for the narcissism of the Web. This is the 21st century, after all, and our egos have advanced greatly in the last 50 years. So, too, has the platform for sustaining that insecure little beast inside us. Today, the Internet and reality television alike proclaim, “This is my life!”

According to Google, then, here was mine:

I sell high-end homes in beautiful Big Bear Lake, in Southern California, and apparently I know what it takes to sell in any market.

When I’m not selling homes, Google says, I’m busy auditioning for movies in Hollywood. I even had a part in Biloxi Blues alongside Matthew Broderick. Now here was some digital validation: Since Broderick had a cameo in She’s Having a Baby, starring Kevin Bacon, that puts me just two degrees away from Kevin Bacon (according to the well-known rules of “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”). Being so closely connected to the Footloose star is enough to make anyone feel better about his existence, but I continued the search.

It seems I also make custom guitars in Sonoma, Calif. That sounds like a pretty hip gig, which probably explains the cool mustache Google shows me sporting while showing off a sweet-looking electric bass.

Perhaps most intriguing of all, I’m a University of Massachusetts research professor who specializes in the taxonomy of the hindguts of wood-feeding termites and cockroaches. Kevin Bacon may be able to dance, but can he dissect hindguts?

The list of my accomplishments, careers, hobbies, and interests went on and on. I’m an insurance agent, an optometrist, a surgeon, an illustrator, the director of the Ohio Lottery Commission, and a politician to boot! I’m a modern-day Renaissance man.

But Google searches return the bad with the good. Evidently, I’m also a sex offender, an identity thief, and a personal-injury lawyer.

I suppose there’s no such thing as a skeleton in one’s closet anymore. The Internet sure took care of that, and any dirty laundry is hanging out there for the world to see, too. But at least it’s proof of my existence.

Except that none of the above really described me. Rather, these were the lives and adventures of many other Michael Dolans throughout the world. Without my own digital presence, I was forced to play Walter Mitty, imagining lives spent walking in my namesakes’ shoes.

Google had failed me. Or perhaps I had failed Google. Either way, eGo (the act of googling oneself) had dealt a permanent blow to my ego, and my entire existence was in question. Perhaps I was in need of a search-engine optimizer to assuage my digital anonymity.

Then I heard a harrowing screech outside the window, pulling my attention away from the screen. It seemed the fox had found its sustenance for the night.

I was still searching for mine.

A Father’s Retreat

Posted on | May 24, 2011 | 2 Comments

“A Father’s Retreat” in Main Line Today (June 2011).

As a young boy, I never could quite understand how my father could spend hours each evening in that room.

The routine went like this: After arriving home shortly before 6 p.m., our dad would join his seven sons – and our poor mother – at the dinner table. Prayers were said, stories exchanged, brothers heckled, rolls thrown (with seven of us, any excuse to have a catch was acted upon), and food shared.

As dinner wound down, we all went our separate ways. Some to do the dishes, others to watch TV or perhaps shoot hoops before dusk turned to dark. Our father? He ventured upstairs to the bathroom. It would be the last any of us would see of him for quite some time.

The evening news would come and go. Wheel of Fortune would follow, with still no sign of life from the bathroom. Jeopardy! came next, and it was a rare sight indeed if Dad ventured out before Final Jeopardy.

What could compel a man to sit hunched over on an ill-suited seat for hours at a time? Perhaps it was the fact that the radiator adjacent to the toilet rivaled the local library in its offering of reading materials. The periodical section included rumpled issues of Readers Digest and Time, along with that day’s edition of the Philadelphia Inquirer. Perhaps it was the news, or more often how it was covered, that prolonged the after-dinner indigestion and the duration of his stay.

Then again, the non-fiction section of the radiator library had any number of books: biographies of the Founding Fathers, motivational books (long before they came into vogue), and an entire section of Irish history.

Each book had its own bookmark peaking out at various stages. For our dad, reading was like playing a game of Parcheesi. You move all your pieces slowly toward the finish line at the same time, while occasionally getting sent back to the beginning in order to remember what the prior pages had to say.

Meanwhile, outside the bathroom walls, my brothers and I did what came naturally to a household of seven boys. The staircase became a bumpy ramp as we slid downstairs with pillows clutched to our backsides. Thumping against the house just outside the bathroom window signaled a game of wall ball was underway, leaving the house peppered with imprints from a dirty tennis ball. Water balloons dropped from third floor windows on unsuspecting victims below. The basement turned into the world’s noisiest skating rink as old metal roller skates clanked along the cement floor. The activities may have varied, but the end result was always the same: chaos.

Perhaps the chaos outside the bathroom is what kept our father inside. Long gone were the fairy tale ‘50s (if ever they existed as such) when a man could come home to a quiet dinner table and spend the rest of the evening with a newspaper and a glass of fine whiskey at his side. Instead, our father traded Ward Cleaver’s comfy living room couch for a less than cozy toilet seat. I can’t say I blame him.

In hindsight, that bathroom afforded our dad the only retreat he ever allowed himself. He spent his days at the office, and his time at home was anything but his own. Whether it was running to Little League games or the hardware store, volunteering at our church or making sure we got there, his life was spent in service to his family, his community, and his church. Given that, I suppose he could afford himself a little extra time on the pot.

As a father of three young children, I find myself appreciating even more the sacrifices our father and mother both made for us boys. Likewise, I now fully appreciate and understand our father’s daily retreats to the head.

For I find myself doing the very same thing.

Gotta go.

Get WALDEN as an eBook

Posted on | May 18, 2011 | No Comments

WALDEN is now available as a Google eBook!

Google eBooks are compatible with most digital devices, including the Nook, Sony Reader, iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, and web browsers.

Kindle version still to come…

Click here to get the eBook.

An existential look at pranksterism

Posted on | April 1, 2011 | No Comments

“Dyed-in-the-wool fools don’t need a special day” in the Philadelphia Inquirer.

I love practical jokes. Even before I could tie my shoes, I was tying unsuspecting family members’ laces together.

So began my career as a prankster – a profession that can sometimes prove hazardous to one’s health and one’s relationships, depending on the extent of the prank and the recipient’s supply of goodwill at the time of its execution.

Take, for example, the case of the kitchen-sink spray hose. Wrapping a rubber band tightly around its trigger causes water to shoot directly at any unsuspecting target who turns on the faucet.

When the target is your mother, who is fighting a migraine while preparing dinner for seven sons who just tramped mud through the house, said prank is not such a good idea. On the other hand, if the rigged spray hose happens to soak a sibling or a friend at a party, it can prove highly entertaining.

Pranksterism is all about timing, which is why it’s advisable to keep a handful of rubber bands in your pocket at all times. One never knows when the opportunity to rig a kitchen-sink hose will arise. Having a rubber band at the ready ensures that you never have to leave someone’s home without leaving a surprise soaking waiting for him.

Even more important than timing is knowing where to draw the line – or, better yet, where other people draw the line. I do my best to come as close to the line as possible without crossing it, but I must admit that I haven’t always succeeded. Sometimes I’ve even long-jumped over it, causing my conscience to play Monday-morning quarterback.

Whether or not I cross the line, I tend to get the same questions: Why do you do this? Where do you find the time? And: I’ll get you back!

Asking the first question is like asking a mountain climber why he risks his life on the rocky face of El Capitan. Why sneak away with a guest’s keys and move his car halfway down the street, changing all the radio presets while doing so? Because it’s there.

Like other vocations, pranksterism is part of one’s makeup. The prankster sees the fun in life and considers it his calling to remind others to do the same. When people take life or themselves too seriously, the prankster is there to put things in perspective.

Too often, we go through this world worrying about matters that are of little importance in the grand scheme of things. The prankster says: “If it won’t matter when you’re dead and gone, it shouldn’t matter to you now. Here’s a water balloon to lighten the mood!”

Where do we find the time? We make the time – and that’s the difference between those who suffer practical jokes and those who execute them. The former always threaten to retaliate after you set their alarm clock for the middle of the night, but they never do. Though they may have every intention of returning the disfavor, they just won’t make the time for it.

And even if they do prank the pranksters, we tend to appreciate the effort, because it means they’re playing our game now.

It’s April Fools’ Day, by the way. Why not join in?

Confessions of a Canine Curmudgeon

Posted on | March 25, 2011 | 16 Comments

“To put it bluntly, I don’t like your dog” in the Philadelphia Inquirer (March 25, 2011).

I have a confession to make: I’m not a dog lover. Never have been, never will be.

There, I’ve said it. Friends, relatives, neighbors, now you know the truth: I don’t love your dog.

For years, I’ve been putting on a friendly face, bending down with a fraudulent smile and pretending to enjoy combing my hands through Spot’s smelly mane. Or faking my way through a playful boxing match with Fido as he stands on his hindquarters to greet me at the door. Or pretending to enjoy putting my fingers into Sparky’s slobbery mouth to retrieve a tennis ball.

It was all an act, my fellow Homo sapiens. The truth is, I’m not too crazy about your adorable best friend.

I know this admission doesn’t bode well for my writing career. I’ll never be able to write that best-seller about my four-legged friend’s fellowship and frolics. I’ll never fill a newspaper column with stories about the time Charlie got skunked during a midnight bathroom break. Best-sellerdom is for the dogs, and I’m destined to a life of literary mediocrity.

That’s not to say that I have never enjoyed a canine’s company, or that I don’t appreciate the benefits of dog ownership. Dogs provide constant companionship, faithful friendship, and an opportunity for humans to make use of monikers they only wish they could give to their kids – like Mugsy, Maximus, Rocky, and Bandit.

All that being said, I still don’t want one. I know many people will find this curmudgeonly, blasphemous, and even un-American. That seems to be an especially common trait of dog owners: a failure to understand that there are some of us out there who just don’t love their dogs.

Hence the empty words of reassurance one often hears called across a field or sidewalk as a dog owner moseys over to retrieve her charging Rottweiler:

“Stop snarling, Chopper! It’s OK – he likes kids!”

“Oh, he may growl like a grizzly and have fangs like one, too, but that’s just his way of saying ‘Hello’!”

“Don’t worry, he won’t really bite. He just ‘nips’ when he’s playing!”

“Oh, he’s just a puppy. Get down, Killer!”

Tell that to your 7-year-old daughter as she clings to your leg in terror. Or the paperboy scared to collect his monthly fee because of the angry Doberman on the other side of the screen door.

Dog owners, take heed: Your assurances are not comforting to the rest of us. Yes, Fang may in fact be friendly, but if I wanted to be friends with him, I’d be the one running up to him and sticking my nose in his nether regions.

Dog owners could go a long way toward changing our opinions if they simply practiced a little more public relations for their canines. In addition to keeping the dog’s nose out of my private parts, a little due diligence in cleaning up after the fella would be appreciated. Neighborhood parks and nature preserves (not to mention my own backyard at times) have become doggy minefields. While I appreciate composting, I’d like to keep it out of the treads of my children’s sneakers.

And for those who do pick up after their dogs, while I do feel a bit sorry that you have to carry it around in a shopping bag, do you have to deposit it in my trash can? Things smell bad enough in there without a surprise souvenir on a sweltering July day.

Of course, not all dog owners are discourteous. But far too many of them are failing to recognize that some of us don’t want to be hounded by their dogs, or reminded of them by something on our shoes.

I suppose many animal lovers will think this sounds grumpy and irritable, and that perhaps the companionship of a pet would make me less cantankerous. Perhaps I could look into getting a cat. Unfortunately, though, I don’t like them, either.

Short Story Published in Book on Fate

Posted on | February 10, 2011 | No Comments

Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road? Now you can find out!

My short story “The Angel That Couldn’t Fly” gives the answer, and was published in The Mystery of Fate, a collection of real life stories that make you think twice about fate, common coincidence, and divine intervention.

You can order The Mystery of Fate here.

Going Mobile

Posted on | January 7, 2011 | No Comments

Conversari.com is now smartphone friendly, so now you can access these posts from your iPhone, Android, Walkie-Talkie, Speak & Spell, or what have you. Subscribe here and we’ll see you in the waiting room, on the train, on the pot, or wherever you may find yourself. Thanks for visiting, and do come again!

The Parable of the Smile

Posted on | December 24, 2010 | No Comments

To the casual observer she appeared quite normal. She met the required features of a little girl, which is to say she was cute as a button through and through. Fine hair, an adorably distinct nose, and eyes that smiled for the world. Any parent would be blessed to have such a child, which is not to say that her parents were not exceedingly blessed, for of course they were, but for as blessed as they were they were equal parts vexed. Behind all that cute-as-a-buttonness was a defect the likes of which the world had never seen.

The girl, you see, just wouldn’t frown.

“But isn’t that a good thing?” pleaded her parents when told of their child’s impairment by despondent doctors.

“I’m afraid not,” they would say. As well as, “I’m sorry” and “We’ll do the best we can do.” Some even offered a not so hopeful “Maybe she’ll grow out of it.”

But she never did. Days went by, weeks and months passed, and soon years started to take their turn. All, sad to say, without a single frown.

Each appointment with a doctor brought with it another test, another pill to try, another referral for another doctor who had another test and another pill and another referral, and so on. All without success.

The day-in, day-out struggles of living with such a condition began to take their toll of the family. Patience shortened and tempers heightened. Constant worrying begat restless nights with little sleep. Unable to capture slumber, let alone dreams, her parents often found themselves escaping into her room in the dark of night, hoping to catch a glimpse – just one tiny, little glimpse – of a frown.

It never came.

With no luck from doctors, the family began to fear a mental condition of some sort, perhaps a psychological shortcoming that prevented the most common of expressions, the frown. Psychologists came and went. Psychiatrists came and went. Alternative and new age practices failed as well. Wherever the child went, the smile followed.

When the child came of school age, her parents were certain the frown would soon emerge. School, with its homework, schoolyard name-calling, long division, and all the rest – surely, if a frown were to come into view, this was the place.

Soon enough the teachers, administrators, and parents began to notice a change that both startled and alarmed them. Not only did the frown never come, but it seemed to be disappearing from the other children in the school as well. Parents reported smiling children, teachers complained of smiling students, and before long panic set in. An emergency meeting of the school board was called, with a standing-room only mob of angry parents.

“My son refuses to frown!” hollered one mother.

“And my daughter hasn’t stopped smiling since last Tuesday!” called another.

And so the meeting went, with concerned parent after concerned parent demanding that something be done. By the meeting’s end, the exacerbated school board had no choice but to suspend the little girl until such time that her smile was no longer infectious.

Her parents, hiding their faces from the glaring eyes that confronted them as they left the school, returned home – weary, distraught, desperate.

They awoke the next morning to a news anchor knocking on the front door. Looking out, they found that he was not alone. The entire street was covered with news vans, reporters with microphones, curious neighbors.

“No comment,” was all they could muster, shutting the door and returning to the confines of their home. The little girl, curious at all the commotion, lifted the window blinds just enough to look outside, and, not knowing what else to do, simply smiled.

FLASH!

And so it was that the little girl’s photo made the front page of the New York Times the following morning. The headline, in big, bold letters, declared: CHILD REFUSES TO FROWN; EPIDEMIC FEARED!

Newspapers all across the country followed suit. The phone rang constantly with producers, reporters, agents, and directors calling with interview requests and contract offers. Occasional calls came from anonymous parents in the community demanding they leave the girl confined to home, lest she infect others. Helicopters swirled. Paparazzi camped out.

A month went by, with no end to the madness in sight, when the postal carrier delivered a large envelope via registered mail. Upon signing for it, the parents looked at the return address: International Institute of Frownology, New York City.

Sitting down together to open the envelope, they discovered with both fear and hope that the end to this smiling saga may finally be near. Together they read:

Dear Sir and Madame:

Upon reading about your child’s condition in the New York Times, I write to offer you an opportunity, and along with it, hope. I am the founding director of the International Institute of Frownology. Over the past 20 years, we have successfully treated literally thousands upon thousands of children similar to your daughter. I invite you to bring your smiling daughter to the I.I.F. for a full evaluation, and I can guarantee that we will have her frowning within a week’s time. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to set up an appointment.

Sincerely,

Dr. Sidney Freidheinz, M.D.

And so it was that the very next morning the girl and her parents boarded a non-stop train to New York City. Dr. Freidheinz and a gaggle of camera crews and reporters were there to greet them as they got off the train at Grand Central Station. They were whisked off into a limousine and within minutes were seated in the evaluation room at the I.I.F.

After signing the necessary documents, the parents bid their daughter farewell. Tears filled their eyes as they shook hands with Dr. Freidheinz and said goodbye.

“Do not worry, mom and dad,” assured the doctor. “Your daughter will be returned to you in a few days, well adjusted and frowning.”

For the next seven days the little girl underwent countless tests and procedures. Her favorite doll was taken from her. She was berated for smiling. She was alternately shown images of smiling faces and broken toys so as to reprogram her mind using associative conditioning. She was taken on a tour of the streets of New York City to see selfishness in action. She was even forced to sit in front of a dozen television monitors, each playing a 24/7 cycle of news. This latter procedure she found curious, even a little bit neat, especially considering some of those very news programs showed her smiling face. She simply smiled back at herself!

Dr. Freidheinz grew more frustrated each day that went by without a frown. On the seventh day, resigned that he had failed, he sent the little girl away. An ambulance drove her all the way back to her home. The sirens were silenced, for this was no emergency. The girl was a lost cause.

That night, her parents sat in bed as distraught and desperate as they had ever been. The girl lay sleeping in the next room.

Nearly hysterical, her mother reached for the holy book sitting on her nightstand and read the first verse her eyes came upon. The words read:

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

She closed her eyes and found herself imitating her daughter – a smile came to her face. It felt good, and she held it there. It had been so long since she smiled. Grabbing her husband by the hand, they ran to their daughter’s room and peaked down at her.

In the glow of the nightlight, they saw these words on her face, and they repeated them aloud:

“Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

“What is a smile but the body’s incarnation of faith, hope, and love?” they thought. Then they smiled, and went back to bed in each other’s arms.

When the child awoke at dawn, they took her by the hand and ventured toward the door.

No longer afraid, they opened it, ready to show the world faith, hope and love.

Their daughter’s malady may be infectious, and it may set off an epidemic of worldwide proportions, but that was a chance they were willing to take…

Coming Home

Posted on | November 25, 2010 | 6 Comments

“Thanksgiving and a Welcome Melancholy” in the Philadelphia Inquirer (November 25, 2010).

On a recent autumn night, I found myself sitting by the fire in the backyard. The moon and stars shone above while the fire danced and crackled below.

In the quiet, there was a distant sound. It was a solitary goose, its honks echoing through the night as its silhouette moved across the sky.

It was a melancholy sound, or so it seemed to me: a lone bird, separated from its flock, flying through the night in a frantic attempt to reunite with its brethren.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving today, I will think of that goose and feel a kinship to it. Perhaps we all should. Whether the holiday finds us traveling a few hundred miles, just a few blocks, or not at all, the destination we hope for remains the same: home.

For me, returning home evokes an almost tangible sense of nostalgia – a feeling of yearning for the past that can sometimes border on melancholy. But I think the word melancholy gets a bad rap. Yes, it may imply lasting sadness, but the same Thanksgiving nostalgia that begets melancholy can also beget gratitude and happiness.

Today, as I return to the home where my parents raised my six brothers and me, nostalgia will set in. I’ll long for the childhood games of football in the front yard, for chasing a hail-Mary pass down the street. I’ll miss sitting by the fireplace watching Charlie Brown try to kick that football. I’ll yearn for the old collection of Christmas LPs and my mom’s coleslaw. And I’ll miss the man who for so many years sat at the head of the table, our father.

Along with that nostalgia will inevitably come melancholy. The sadness will be short-lived, however, as it reminds me of just how wonderful the memories have been and how thankful I should be. A smile is sure to follow as I watch the present unfold.

My children and their cousins will take to the front yard carrying a football. They’ll sit by the fireplace laughing at Snoopy and Woodstock. They’ll discover the old Christmas LPs – not having a clue that music could emanate from such devices! They’ll feast on their grandmother’s coleslaw. And they’ll accompany their fathers to the cemetery down the street to say a prayer for their Pops.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the homesickness and the sadness. They are gifts reminding me that it has been a wonderful life. And as I look around my childhood home today, dodging children as they romp, I’ll be reminded that it continues to be a wonderful life, and the memories being made today are the nostalgia and melancholy of my future.

As we mourn the loved ones of our memories, let’s allow ourselves that sadness. It makes the ensuing gratitude and happiness more palatable. That way, tonight’s Thanksgiving feast will not only fill our bodies; it will also stuff our souls and lift our spirits.

A toast, then, to all those journeying home in body or spirit, and all those returning to their flocks: Godspeed, and safe home.

Rapping at my neighbor’s door

Posted on | October 28, 2010 | 1 Comment

“Halloween Fears” in the Harrisburg Patriot-News (October 28, 2010).

“Suddenly there came a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.” Edgar Allan Poe penned these words in “The Raven,” the story of a lonely man hidden inside his home, so distraught over the loss of his beloved Lenore that an intruding raven sends him into hallucination. The story is replayed each October in our own sad interpretation of the poem.

Today, we are haunted by stories that Halloween is dangerous. Schoolteachers distribute leaflets promoting Halloween protocol. Reporters deliver their annual how-to articles on safe trick-or-treating. Such fears, advertised each October, are just as fictional as the ones that come wrapped in hockey masks and prosthetic fangs.

Joel Best, chair of sociology and criminal justice at the University of Delaware, has scanned newspapers for more than four decades in attempting to track instances of tampered Halloween candy. During this time, Best has found no evidence that any child has ever been killed or seriously injured from the candy.

Five deaths from tampered candy have been reported, but follow-up stories concluded that four were the result of other causes. The one verifiable tampering case, in fact, involved a boy whose own father had poisoned his Halloween goodies. And that was in 1974.

Even though the threat isn’t real, our fears are enough to decimate one of the few great community days of the year. It seems that our front doors see much less traffic on Halloween than in years past.

Years ago, as a young Spider-Man, gangster or ninja, I would join the throngs of masked goblins in the neighborhood for a night of rapping. Pillowcase in hand, I loved the excitement. The streets were alive with the chatter of neighbors, the creaking of doors and the musical notes of doorbells. Sure, sugar was the primary goal, but a sense of community came along with it.

Rap-rap. “Oh look, hon, it’s the Dolan boys. Wait a minute until Mrs. Smith comes, guys. She’ll love the costumes!”

Rap-rap. “Look — it’s the devil, He-Man and a ninja! Tell your parents we said hello, fellas!”

Rap-rap. “Come on in,” the vampire said, leading me through the most famous haunted house in the neighborhood, appropriately across the street from a cemetery.

That haunted house is no more, but it’s just as well, for today’s trick-or-treaters wouldn’t dare set foot into someone’s home. They’re better trained than that. “Stay on the front steps where I can see you,” our children are told. “And say ‘thank you.’”

Our homes have become like that famed haunted house in my childhood neighborhood — scary places that we don’t dare to enter. Like Poe, we’ve created a vision of fears.

We fear the unknown, and if we don’t know our neighbors, then we begin to fear them. If we were to get to know the people in our neighborhood, these fears would dissipate.

In the last two decades we’ve created countless ways to keep ourselves hidden behind our own chamber doors — the Internet, home entertainment systems, high-tech home security, attached garages.

Getting to know our neighbors is no longer a high priority. Sure, our homes are wonderful retreats, but they could be so much more. They could be places to share as well. We live in neighborhoods, and too often those neighborhoods lack what we look for in a home: community.

Perhaps if we were to realign those priorities and escape from our insular lives, then maybe we’d rediscover that community. Or maybe we don’t want to, and so we buy into the myth of poisoned candy as an excuse not to make the effort at community.

Even if I recognize the kid behind the little Harry Potter getup when he comes to my door, I probably won’t see him again until next Halloween. And perhaps I won’t see him even then. Unless, of course, I go gently rapping, rapping at my neighbor’s door.

The Invasion Part 2: Silly Bandz

Posted on | October 20, 2010 | No Comments

“Silly Bandz Invasion” in Main Line Today (November 2010).

The little critters started appearing in our house one at a time. Before long, they began to multiply. Fearing an infestation was imminent, I called the exterminator:

“Hello. I think I have any infestation in the works.”

“Can you describe the nature of the infestation, Mr. Dolan? Ants? Stink bugs? Click beetles? Creepy-crawlies?”

“Well, yes, I have all those, but they’re not the problem.”

“Then what is, sir?”

“Well, each one is different. They come in all colors and shapes. Some disguise themselves as farm animals and sea creatures. Others look like dinosaurs, and some seem to take the shape of letters and numbers. I even caught one trying to camouflage itself as a diamond ring.”

“I see, sir. This is bad. Do any of these critters glow in the dark, by any chance?”

“Why, yes! Some of them do. Not only that, I tried to release a few outside and discovered that some even change color in the sun.”

“Sir, please do not try to handle these creatures yourself. I’ll send someone right out to your home.”

“Why? Are they dangerous?”

“Mr. Dolan, you have an infestation of shape-shifters. They first appeared in Japan, but made their way to the United States two years ago by way of a manufacturing plant in China. They then immigrated illegally to a warehouse in Toledo, Ohio. From there, they’ve traveled by school bus to unsuspecting towns across the country.”

“But what are they?” I pleaded. “How do I get rid of them?”

“Someone is on their way, sir.”

This was worse than I suspected.

A few hours later, Clyde came to the door, armed with full body uniform, eye protection and a spray canister of toxic formula strapped to his back. I greeted him with a nervous smile.

“I understand you have an infestation of shape-shifters, Mr. Dolan,” he said.

“It seems that way.”

“Do you have young children?”

“Uh, yes,” I answered.

“Ages, sir,” prompted Clyde.

“Uh, 6, 4 and 1.”

“Hmm. This is going to be tough. Let me have a look around.”

Clyde made his way through the home, and it wasn’t long before he came across the first shape-shifter. There, sitting on the kitchen counter, was a blue letter “S.” Not far away some other letters had gathered—M, O and D.

Clyde pulled out a red bag labeled “Hazardous Waste,” then proceeded to pick up the shape-shifters with his bare hands. “Clever little critters,” he muttered to himself.

Clyde inspected every square foot of the home. They were under the couch, inside drawers, atop dressers, even in the bathroom sink. Clyde then examined my daughter’s schoolbag. Dozens of shape-shifters had attached themselves to the outside of it, and many more had burrowed themselves deep inside its pockets. The nest had been found.

Having cleared our home of the shape-shifters, Clyde handed me a bill for $100. I thanked him for his thorough work and watched him pull out of the driveway.

Just then, my 6-year-old daughter and her friend came running across the lawn. To my horror, dozens of shape-shifters had attached themselves to their wrists like parasites!

“Look Daddy!” she hollered. “More Silly Bandz!”

Clyde would be coming back.

The Invasion Part 1: Stinkbugs

Posted on | October 19, 2010 | No Comments

“Invasion of the Stinkbugs” in the Philadelphia Inquirer (October 19, 2010).

Drifting off to sleep, I’m roused by a faint buzzing from across the room. It quiets, and I start to drift off again. But it resumes, and this time it sounds like a helicopter coming in for a landing on my head.

I thrash, blindly reach for the invader, and find myself cupping it in my hands. I race through a nighttime obstacle course of furniture to the bathroom and hurl the noxious creature into the toilet.

Good night, stinkbug!

I return to bed unable to sleep, knowing that an army of foreign invaders is setting up camp throughout the house. All spring and summer long, the brown marmorated stinkbugs raided our home, and now they are settling down for a long winter’s nap in the eaves, insulation, and boxes of holiday decorations.

Perhaps longing for democracy, the stinkbugs hopped a flight or boat from China a dozen or so years ago, and now they’re quickly making themselves at home. It seems democracy suits them just fine, as does the absence of natural predators.

Yet surely the most powerful country in the world can find a way to combat these stench-ridden critters? Unless the political powers that be simply choose to look the other way. Maybe the invasion is part of a leftist conspiracy to popularize Obama’s “Cash for Caulkers” program, encouraging people to seal up their homes to keep out the bugs as well as the cold air.

The political ramifications don’t end there. With Election Day approaching, debates about securing our borders and giving stinkbugs a path to citizenship are sure to come up. Arizona lawmakers could make it legal for exterminators to detain all shield-shaped insects, regardless of odor.

While a government solution to the stinkbug invasion gets tied up in political debate, we are left to our own wits. And judging by the homegrown solutions being bandied about, we’re at our wits’ end.

Countless combinations of fluids, from hair spray to bleach to Mr. Clean, have been suggested by inventive homeowners. Rubbing dryer sheets on your window screens is supposed to help. So are giving your entire house a bubble bath, sucking the bugs up in a vacuum cleaner, dropping them in a mixture of water and broken-up cigarettes (I suppose tobacco will kill anything eventually), and doing the hokey pokey.

For farmers, the stinkbugs are more than just a nuisance; they’re feasting on apples, peaches, corn, soybeans, and more. And I’m afraid the needed help won’t come in the form of Febreze crop dusters or John Deere vacuum attachments.

I trust a solution will be found, but until then I’ll lie awake knowing I’m harboring the enemy. And should they decide to strike again, I’ll have a can of hair spray at the ready.

The red light

Posted on | October 16, 2010 | 2 Comments

Driving along the highway, my eyes lay on the road before me – the cars, the turn signals, and the race to wherever home may be.

“Hey, Dad!” calls the four-year-old voice from the back of the car. “Look at that sunset – it looks just like a red light!”

I turn to my right and see the giant, burning orb crashing into the westward horizon. The sky burns red and orange, an explosion of light before the arrival of dark.

And yes, it does look just like a red light.

As well it should, calling us to stop . . . and bringing us to a halt.

Black-eyed Susan and the sun

Posted on | August 31, 2010 | No Comments

The sun beat down on the growing cluster of black-eyed Susan as each flower below stretched skyward, a sea of yellow and black hoping to touch the fiery heaven above. Like looking into a kaleidoscope when gazed at too intently and too long, the colors danced in circles in my mind’s eye. The yellow and black swayed, circled and swam in a drunken dance of color.

A blink of the eyes returned focus to the flowers before me. Golden lashes reached out from dark eyes, tempting – beckoning – passersby.

As the flowers danced in the summer sun, I saw that they were not alone. Bees had succumbed to temptation, kissing their black and yellow brethren in the hurried task of pollination. Before long they were joined by a tiger swallowtail. The butterfly and its black and yellow wings fluttered in erratic flight, forced to drink the dregs the bees left behind. The evidence was clear: bees were built for work; butterflies were built for play. While one sings, the other stings.

Standing back from the black-eyed Susans, it seemed to me that the world isn’t black and white. It’s black and yellow, eternal lovers dancing in symbiotic song.

Living in the moment

Posted on | August 20, 2010 | 2 Comments

The four-year-old boy looks up from his bowl of cereal and declares:

“I love being four.”

He lifts spoon to mouth, and goes back to work.

The Beachcomber

Posted on | August 3, 2010 | 2 Comments

Just after dawn, with the sun still low on the horizon, a lone woman searches the shoreline. Her outstretched arms clutch a metal detector as its base moves side to side over the sand. Slowly, she systematically scours the sand for the flotsam and jetsam of long gone beachgoers. Soon they would be back, with their loose change and loose jewelry in tow, but for now the beach belonged to the beachcomber.

As the sun quickly rose to shine its sun-burnt face above the sea, I watched the woman’s fruitless quest. Back and forth the detector swayed, discovering nothing.

Get your head out of the sand, I thought. Look to the sea and the sun rising above it – there is your treasure!

I stood up from my perch on the boardwalk overlook and went on my way, discovering that I too had let the sunrise slip before my very eyes.

Life lessons for the superhero apprentice

Posted on | July 23, 2010 | No Comments

“Superhero in Training” in Main Line Today (August 2010).

At 4 years old, my son has just one problem in life, and it plagues him night after night. Lying in bed, a never-ending debate runs through his mind over which superhero he should be when he gets big.

Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, the Incredible Hulk. Even Plastic Man remains a viable option. Each, after all, is unique, offering a child endless possibilities in the way of costumes, superpowers, weapons, vehicles and villains.

I may not be a superhero, but as a parent, I hope I’m providing him with the lessons he needs to become one. Here are six that were handed down to me:

Superhero Lesson #1: Superheroes aren’t perfect. Sometimes they crash—and it’s not always the cape’s fault. Or the villain’s fault. Or anybody’s fault, really. Things just happen. Superheroes don’t waste time blaming. If they crash, they brush it off and get back to business.

Superhero Lesson #2: Always trust your Spidey sense. It’s usually right—and with a little practice and a lot of faith, you’ll learn that.

Superhero Lesson #3: To be successful in anything, you must first be successful in your mind. Picture it there first, and your body will know what to do when the time comes to face that first curveball.

Superhero Lesson #4: When you hear a screaming ambulance racing down the street—be it close by or far off in the distance—take a second and say a little prayer for whoever’s in need. Superheroes can’t be in all places at all times, but their prayers can be.

Superhero Lesson #5: Choose your words carefully. Most mere mortals assume that the greatest superhero powers come from radioactive accidents, genetic mutations or intergalactic immigration. The truth of the matter is, superheroes first master the most common—and yet most difficult—skills. Chief among those is choosing what you say carefully. Certain words shouldn’t be uttered by any superhero. These include “never,” “can’t” and “I give up.” Other examples include “hate” and “kill.”

Just the same, there are certain words in the vocabularies of all superheroes that should be said now and again—and sometimes these are even more difficult to master. Examples include “help” and “I don’t know.” The thing is, superheroes can’t do everything on their own, and they don’t know everything there is to know. They’re aware of this imperfect quality, no matter how super they may be. Choose your words—and the words you choose not to use—carefully.

Superhero Lesson #6: If there’s one thing superheroes do well, it’s appreciating how lucky they are. After all, it’s not everyone who can fly, sling webs, or turn green and muscle-bound when danger looms. Superheroes are lucky—and they know it. That’s why they end each day with a prayer of thanks.

As you lie in bed at night, spend a few minutes thinking about everything you’re thankful for: family, friends, your home, anyone and anything that made your day better. It’s one of the most important exercises a superhero can do. And like all exercise, it makes you even stronger.

Discover more at www.superheroesintraining.com.

There’s an app for that

Posted on | July 12, 2010 | No Comments

Man looks down in his hands and taps on his toy, checking the weather and reporting his findings.

God already created an app for that, I think to myself. And I look toward the sky…

One stamp at a time

Posted on | July 3, 2010 | No Comments

“The Great Letter Revival Movement” in the Harrisburg Patriot-News (July 3, 2010).

An unspoken, hopeful moment in my day, and I daresay in most people’s, occurs with the simple act of reaching into the mailbox. Somewhere deep in our subconscious is a deep longing for a pleasant surprise to begin or end the day — something entirely unexpected — a letter.

That hidden expectation is tucked away so deep that we recognize it only when it is fulfilled, when and if that time ever arrives.

For most of us, reaching into the mailbox reveals much the same: a Clipper magazine with advertisements, some unwanted credit card solicitations, a “Have you seen us?” postcard about missing children and perhaps the remaining bill or two that isn’t delivered online.

What a lonely and unfulfilling mailbox. It is a sad commentary on the way we live our lives.

And no, I’m not talking technology here. E-mail and online technologies are tremendous assets to the enhancement of modern communication. For someone who avoids talking on the phone, e-mail often is a wonderful — and many times — quicker substitution. Technology, however, is not killing the letter.

The culprit is us: Our hectic lives and packed calendars, our to-do lists and the race to accomplish as much as we can before night’s end. In other words, our priorities.

I daresay we’re entering an age where the art of writing a letter is quickly vanishing. Sure, a card will occasionally show up in our mailbox, but Hallmark leaves a bit to be desired as do the boasting year-in-review letters sent in bulk during the Christmas season. If we don’t engage in letter-writing today, do we really think the next generation will take the time to sit down and write a letter?

I must first disclose that I am partial to letters.

When my oldest brother spent his first summer at the shore and then lived away at college, I started writing him letters. As someone who enjoyed writing, it was a good opportunity to learn the craft of writing and find new ways to poke fun at my brother at the same time. At age 12, it was a wonderful discovery for me. More than two decades have passed, with hundreds of letters in the mix, and I credit the letter (and its often unfortunate recipients) with teaching me how to write.

The letter is a challenge to write, primarily because you must wrestle yourself away from the activities of the day, sit down and contemplate. Yes, get away. Yes, sit down. Yes, contemplate. It means putting things aside and recognizing the importance of reflecting on one’s life and one’s relationship with another. Not only is this important, it is central to healthy living and meaningful relationships.

If you were to take the time to sit down and write a letter, to whom would you write? Your father or mother? Sister or brother? Spouse or child? Uncle or friend? Now imagine that person reaching into his or her mailbox next week and discovering among the pile of circulars and catalogs an old-fashioned stamped letter. From you!

Shared experiences are the buds that begin any relationship. Our memory of those experiences, and our shared reflection and commentary on them, help those buds grow. Letters have the power to enter deeper and more fully into a relationship — even if it is a letter to a spouse or child you live with day in and day out. It is in moments of reflection and in opening ourselves to others that we come to truly engage in communication.

A challenge, then: Participate in the Great Letter Revival Movement. No, it doesn’t exist yet, but with your participation it can become a reality. Take the time to write a letter to that friend or family member and see what comes of it.

If you’re feeling timid, simply clip this article and include it with the letter so as to avoid appearing the eccentric weirdo who one day randomly chooses to write a friend.

Who knows where the Great Letter Revival Movement will take us. Lives could be changed, relationships deepened and mailboxes brought to life.

All it takes is a little time, a little courage and 44 cents.

Unearth Day: Digging in the Dirt

Posted on | April 21, 2010 | No Comments

“The case for ‘Unearth Day’” in the Philadelphia Inquirer (April 21, 2010).

This week, as folks around the globe celebrate the 40th anniversary of Earth Day, I propose that we establish an offshoot movement to be known as “Unearth Day.”

Earth Day, which is Thursday, gives voice to the planet. It’s a call to both protect and preserve it, challenging us to come to an understanding of how the Earth and the people who live off of it can coexist to the mutual benefit of both – a noble and important mission indeed, and one that is often necessarily political in its focus.

As Earth Day’s counterpart, Unearth Day could complement the 40-year-old grassroots environmental movement by literally getting children into the grass and the roots. This movement has been growing for a while now; getting kids back to nature is now a trendy theme being tackled by publishers, environmental nonprofits, and soapbox do-gooders. Let me join them on the soapbox, but suggest a much more practical and down-to-earth approach.

Let the children unearth the earth! While there are many things to protect our children from these days, I suggest that dirt is not one of them.

My six brothers and I grew up in the dirt – whether our mother liked it or not. Be it digging for dinosaur bones like budding paleontologists, ceremonially burying a departed bird or squirrel found nearby, or attempting to tunnel our way to China, we ensured that our yard featured an ever-expanding series of ditches. The back yard inflicted its share of sprained ankles as a result, but nothing more insidious than that.

Often, our yard showed more brown than it did green, as mud-sliding in April showers and an assortment of sports throughout the summer beat the grass into submission.

The earth didn’t seem to mind, though I have a feeling today’s “Purell parents” would.

Dare to overturn a rock and uncover a gathering of creepy crawlies? “Don’t touch that!” Out comes the hand-sanitizer.

Dare to run and slide in the muddy grass? “Get in here!” Out come the bleach and laundry detergent.

Dare to step off the sidewalk and into the treacherous unknown once called the ground? “Get over here. That’s not our property. And look at your new shoes!”

Dare to bring a coffee can filled with newly captured bugs into the home? “Aaaaaa!” Might as well dial 911.

To combat this attitude, drastic measures are needed. I suggest that Unearth Day be launched in full force immediately. A cute little earthworm could serve as the new holiday’s spokes-critter. Give him a Cockney accent: ” ‘Ello, kiddies. I’m here to tell you about dirt. I play in it all day. I eat the stuff, too. Why not give it a go?”

Yes, let’s give it a go! Changing hearts and minds, one Purell parent at a time, let’s remember what lies beneath our sidewalks and driveways. Venture off the concrete and into the uncharted territory of the dirt.

You might just be surprised what you unearth.

Easter morn

Posted on | April 4, 2010 | No Comments

Looking out the kitchen window on Easter morning, I discover four cardinals perched in the branches of the ornamental dogwood tree.

Though spring has arrived, the tree still holds onto its winter dress – woody branches and nothing more. Its buds, leaves and blooms have not yet begun to take form.

The four birds dance from branch to branch in the barren tree. Their bright red feathers bring the tree to life, providing a glimpse of the blooms soon to come.

The cardinals dance on the wood, as if painting the tree red.

Then, as quickly as they appeared, together they take flight and ascend skyward.

Blood on the cross begets the resurrection.

The litterer

Posted on | April 2, 2010 | 3 Comments

My daughter is a litterer.

Coming home from work at night, or taking out the trash, or while picking up fallen branches in the yard, every so often I’ll discover a piece of bright construction paper perched in a bush or laying on the lawn. I smile each time I see one, for I know I’ve just stumbled upon a message meant for heaven.

Each paper, you see, is a card meant for her Pops or for Jesus. Strategically placed on the front stoop or somewhere on the lawn, waiting to be whisked away by the wind, their intended destination is heaven.

Each card captures the mind of a young child not wrestling with death, but joyfully and innocently reaching beyond it. Rainbows, sunsets, oceans, and trees – they adorn each card in colorful crayon.

I spy one of these heavenly messages tucked under an azalea bush one evening. It is folded in half and taped at the sides as if to create a pouch. I prop the card open and peer inside, only to find a single yellow crayon.

Are there no crayons in heaven, I smiled and wondered. Perhaps the crayon was simply so she could once again color together with her Pops – she coloring away on paper while he brightens the sun above.

With yellow crayon in hand, I look back at the card and read her message:

I MISS YOU POPS. I HOPE YOU NEVER DIE.

I smile and shed a joyful tear, for her grasp of heaven triumphs mourning. Hope, like life itself, springs eternal.

Bonusgate: The suffix scandal

Posted on | March 28, 2010 | No Comments

“Scandalously unoriginal” in the Philadelphia Inquirer (March 24, 2010).

Here’s another verdict that should come out of the continuing Bonusgate corruption trials in Harrisburg: a cease-and-desist order against future use of the suffix “-gate.”

Here’s what I would like to see in the courtroom: The jury enters the room.

Dauphin County Judge Richard A. Lewis glances at the defendants. After a dramatic pause, he nods to the jury foreman.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what say you?”

“Your honor,” recites the foreman. “We the jury, upon serious deliberation, do hereby find the media guilty of ineptitude, lethargic phrase-turning and excessive use of the suffix ‘-gate.’¤”

Gasps and cries fill the courtroom as reporters wince at the verdict. Guilty.

It has been 38 years since the famed break-in into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., that brought down Nixon. Nearly four decades have passed, enough time for eight presidents to cycle through the Oval Office, and still countless new scandals get marked with the vestiges of Watergate.

Bonusgate refers to Pennsylvania legislators and aides who allegedly paid campaign workers with government money. This week, it yielded felony convictions for former state Rep. Mike Veon and two ex-aides.

But Bonusgate is just one of many tales of political corruption, abused power and hackneyed headlines.

The list of scandalgates is long, and, sadly, it shows no sign of ending. The list exists at the federal, state and local levels. The Clintons have certainly provided their share: Monicagate, Whitewatergate, Pardongate, to name a few.

Hollywood celebs and professional athletes have contributed to the legacy as well. Most notably, Tigergate.

And most humorously as far as headlines go, Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction in Super Bowl XXXVIII — Nipplegate.

At last count, Wikipedia cites 137 so called “-gates,” a listing that seems well-suited for Cliff Clavin-style barside trivia, but not much else.

To give a few Wiki examples: Beachballgate. Spitgate. Fajitagate. Stupidgate. The list goes on and on, and presumably it will continue to grow.

Ironically enough, part of the blame for this phenomenon lays at the hands of a former Nixon speechwriter, the late William Safire.

During his time as a columnist for The New York Times, Safire attributed the -gate suffix to more than a dozen news stories. New York magazine suggested that perhaps Safire was downplaying the unwelcome legacy of Watergate by lending the scandalous suffix to the trials and tribulations of other imperfect politicians.

Such thinking seems a bit too conspiratorial and consciously highfalutin’ to me. (If it were really the case, I suppose the coinage Gategate would be apropos.)

I prefer to think that Safire, being the linguist that he was, was simply having fun. Given his connection to the Nixon administration, I can understand but not pardon his use of -gate. Safire passed away last year, though, and I suggest that the conspiratorial suffix as a catchphrase retire as well.

Failure to do so will perpetuate hackneyed headlines as well as reader indigestion. And like corrupt politicians, the longer they are permitted to be employed, the more frequently they will appear. Not unlike mold spores.

In an age of mounting news coverage and dwindling privacy, reports of scandals will continue to grow. Add to that society’s blame-someone, sue-someone mind-set, and more news events are likely to be inappropriately depicted as scandalous.

The combination, I’m afraid, is a recipe for madness. I can see the headlines already: Hurricanegate: Al Gore conspires with a low pressure system over the Atlantic in an attempt to promote the realities of global warming.

Tollgate: Toll workers vandalize E-ZPass detection systems to ensure job security.

Googlegate: Google leaks list of search phrases from bin Laden’s laptop. “Tina Fay Sarah Palin impression videos” tops list.

Sodagate: The state taxes soda pop; ACLU calls foul.

Controversies and scandals will certainly stand the test of time. Suffixes need not.

Harry

Posted on | January 25, 2010 | No Comments

I am sitting, reading. My four-year-old son is likewise sitting, playing.

He glances up and looks at the man on the cover, reflections of whose life are held within.

“Why did Harry Kalas die, Dad?” he asks.

I fumble over my reply, “Well, he was a little bit old… and it was time for him to go to heaven.”

My son responded with another question, but one that told me he had it all figured out already.

“Is Harry in baseball heaven, Dad?”

I smiled, looked at the man on the cover, and nodded.

The boy was right.

Baseball heaven, where spirits play in a field of dreams and the sounds of summer echo for eternity.

A Twittering Resolution

Posted on | January 1, 2010 | No Comments

“A Twittering New Year’s Resolution” in Main Line Today.

The parable of the koala bear

Posted on | October 15, 2009 | No Comments

The three-year-old boy lay in bed with his baby brother, making him laugh with assorted smiles, funny faces, and noises.

To add to the entertainment, he picked up a furry koala bear and raised it in front of his brother.

The infant’s smile immediately vanished, and he began to cry at the sight of the stuffed animal.

“Don’t be scared, Brian,” uttered the older boy. “It’s okay. He’s not really a bear. He’s just a marsupial.”

I laughed at his words and smiled.

Indeed, things aren’t always what they appear to be, three-year-old boys included.

Heaven on earth

Posted on | October 3, 2009 | 2 Comments

If there is ground in heaven, I believe it must be covered with a thick layer of fallen pine needles.

If there is music in heaven, I believe it must be the wind brushing against the land as spirits travel through the sky.

If there is an aroma in heaven, I believe it must be the scent of a fire’s transformation of wood into ember.

And if heaven has a heaven, I believe the night sky must shine above it, stars shimmering from the past while the moon carries out its orbital dance.

Glancing up from the campfire, I look toward heaven.

And I find myself already there.

For the Love of the Ball

Posted on | September 30, 2009 | No Comments

Fathers, sons, and lessons learned…

“For the Love of the Ball” (Main Line Today, October 2009) 

Early on in my eldest son’s life, Michael decided he wanted to be a ballplayer when he grew up. Signs of his intended vocation came from the start.

Instead of sleeping with a furry teddy bear at night, my wife and I would often find him clutching something a bit less cuddly and snuggly—say, a basketball or football. Or we’d find him sound asleep in his pajamas with a Phillies cap perched on his head.

Sports were his world, and they still are.

“You have a good sleep?” I would ask him each morning when he was 2. “Have any dreams last night?”

“Yeah,” he’d answer.

“What about?”

He’d then provide a litany of sports that ran through his head as he lay in bed at night. Basketball. Football. Baseball. Soccer. Hockey. Lacrosse. Jai alai.

Yes, even jai alai.

It was the same every morning. But with so many sports, which would he settle on? It seemed like them all.

From the moment he could walk, he gravitated toward basketball. For two years, he stood in front of the net in our driveway and tried to make a basket with one of those bouncy balls you find caged up in the supermarket. Staring at the rim, the pint-sized boy would throw the ball skyward. For two years, he missed, but he got a bit closer each time. And with each throw, he fully expected to make the basket.

I remember the morning it finally went in. He watched the ball swoosh through the basket and then turned with a big smile to see if anyone else had witnessed this momentous event. His wasn’t a look of surprise, but rather joy. He knew the ball would go in; it was just a matter of when. I was fortunate to witness it. From then on, he refused to leave the court on a missed basket.

Soon he traded the bouncy ball for a real basketball, and our kitchen floor became his court. Heck, the whole world became his court.

Basketball wasn’t his only love. I remember him playing blocks one afternoon, glancing up at the television and seeing a hockey game. His eyes lit up. He knew he wanted to play it, but he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around what it was players were chasing and hitting.

“What’s that, Dad?”

“That’s called a puck, Michael.”

After the first icy snowfall of that winter, he dragged out a hockey stick and a net. His little body too light to break through the surface, he skated around the yard in his boots, hitting slapshots, wristers and backhands.

So it went through the seasons, as he traded one sport for another. Breaking his leg at age 1 while trying to do a trick with a soccer ball. Throwing a football in a perfect spiral at 2. Switch-hitting at the plate a year later.

Watching my son on the field and court has taught me much. Perhaps most important: You can achieve anything with practice, patience, fun and faith. After all, what takes more patience than a toddler looking up at a basketball rim and waiting for the day he’s big enough to make a basket?

Practice, patience, fun and faith—not a bad formula for life. My son has indeed taught me much on the ball field. And seeing as he’ll be turning 4 this month, there’s still much more for me to learn.

Cicada killers

Posted on | August 25, 2009 | No Comments

The wasp glided by my legs, slow and low like a giant airliner that somehow takes flight despite its enormous size. Likewise, the wasp seemed to defy gravity, for it carried in its legs a motionless cicada nearly twice its size. Paralyzed by the hunter’s stinger somewhere high above, the cicada floated toward the ground in the wasp’s deathtrap. A macabre flight indeed, this tandem skydive.

Landing on the ground, the wasp slowly and effeciently carried its victim below ground. The grave had already been bored, and the wasp’s young waited within. Soon the two disappeared completely; the struggle between life and death would continue below ground. Inseparable lovers are life and death, one needing the other for its own survival.

Late that night, lying in bed, I listen to the sounds of summer, but all I hear is the song of one less cicada.

It is the song of death. It is the song of life. Two melodies, one chorus.

The cicada sings counterpoint, as does the world.

"Let it be."

Posted on | July 9, 2009 | No Comments

A friend wrote to me today: “Life is only too busy if we let it be.”

It was a shared sentiment. Too often the busyness of life prevents us from getting down to the business of life. That is to say, living.

Days and weeks pass by, weeks turn into months, and pretty soon years are lost, and with them the friendships we let go as we went about the busyness of life.

“Life is only too busy if we let it be.”

It was a much needed reminder.

More importantly, it provided a much needed solution:

“Let it be.”

"…and there was light."

Posted on | June 27, 2009 | No Comments

As I climb out of bed in the dark of night, electrons dance across the static-laden sheets in a crinkling display of blue light.

A moment later and I peer out the bathroom window. Fireflies are busy taking ownership of the night with their random, silent display of flickering lights.

I look skyward and see not a cloud in the sky. In the clearness of the dark night, stars shimmer above. Their long-extinguished light has journeyed through time and now somehow lights the night.

I return to bed with hope in my heart. No matter the depth of darkness, light will find a way.

Hope springs nocturnal.

The snake

Posted on | June 21, 2009 | 1 Comment

The woman’s voice was frantic as she called across the yard to me.

I hurried over to her with uncertainly in my steps, not sure what lay in store for me. Having moved into our house just weeks before, I had met the neighbor just once. Our second meeting, and a call of distress.

When I reached her, she poignantly pointed toward the ground. There, at a respectable distance away, lay a two-foot long black snake.

“Do you know what kind it is,” she asked.

I claimed ignorance:  “No, I’m not sure. Maybe a garter?”

She assured me it was not.

“I’ve lived here ten years and have never seen something that size.”

Now she had me worried. The kids were playing on the other side of the forsythia bushes. What if this little fellah was venomous?

Before I knew it, the woman had rushed to her garage and returned with a shovel. She handed it to me without saying a word, as if our joint course of action was both inevitable and mutually agreed upon.

Again, before I knew it, I had the shovel over my head and sent it traveling toward the snake.

“Sorry, buddy,” I lamented as he lay there motionless.

Soon after, I returned home and went to the computer to identify what I had killed. The irony of going to the digital world to identify with the natural one was not lost on me.

I typed in “garter snake.”

The first photo that popped up on the screen confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I had killed a harmless garter snake. The caption to the photo rightfully fueled my guilt:

“Snakes are among the most misunderstood of all animals. As a result, many harmless, beneficial snakes have met untimely deaths at the hands of shovel-wielding humans.”

Guilty as charged.

Regret filled my heart even as the shovel traveled toward the ground, and remorse filled my heart now. What had the snake done but be found?

In a weak moment – one fueled by misunderstanding, ignorance, fear, and a male ego that felt it necessary to fulfill this new neighbor’s wishes – I had killed.

Sadly enough, I believe these are the very same reasons we all kill, nations and individuals alike. Misunderstanding and ignorance, a fear of the unknown, and our collective ego.

It begs the question: who is the snake?

Nativity

Posted on | May 25, 2009 | No Comments

Big sister and big brother, ages 5 and 3 respectively, walked down the corridor of the maternity wing. Tucked behind the glass window where the nurses cared for the newborns, their younger brother, all of three hours old, awaited their arrival.

When they reached the glass window, the two tip-toed and used the window ledge to pull themselves higher.

I pointed to the baby nearest the window.

“There’s your baby brother! That’s Brian!”

The three-year-old’s eyes grew wide. He gazed at his little brother, in awe of this tiny being that for the past nine months had been a mysterious bump in his mother’s belly.

His voice filled with equal parts excitement and wonderment, he simply exclaimed: “WOW!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Flight to heaven

Posted on | March 31, 2009 | No Comments

She died two years to the day after her husband. They spent their later years within earshot of the ocean, and called the beach their home.

After the funeral, again two years to the day after her husband, family likewise gathered within earshot of the ocean. I stepped out onto the deck on the brisk early spring afternoon, escaping the noise within. Looking toward the beach, a seagull flew overhead within arm’s reach. A second seagull quickly joined the first, lingered for a moment, and then the two set sail in the sky.

Side by side they flew, their wings carrying them along the coast and into the horizon.

Heaven called, and together they joined eternity.

Sunday morning

Posted on | March 15, 2009 | No Comments

The boy sat there in his high-chair eating breakfast. Between spoonfuls of cereal, he looked up and declared:

“It sure is a good day for having a great day.”

I laughed at his words, but at the same time realized how simplistically profound they were. His sentiment unknowingly implies a choice we are all called to make each morning. The day greets us, and we have the opportunity to see it as a great one… or a not-so-great one.

In a little boy’s world, why would there be any choice but to have a great day? If only we all had the mind of a three-year-old.

He went back to his cereal, while I replayed his words in my head.

“It sure is a good day for having a great day.”

Sure is, son. Sure is.

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